My mom is amazing and someone I hope to be when I grow up. She is strong, loving, successful, capable, fiesty, smart, beautiful, funny, goofy, and geniune. She also has rheumatoid arthritis and has been suffering from it for the past few years. Her stage of rheumatoid arthritis is pretty advanced. What is rheumatoid arthritis? It is an autoimmune disease that causes chronic inflammation of the joints. It can also cause inflammation of the tissue around the joints and other organs in the body. Pretty much her body tissues are mistakenly attacked by her bodies own immune system. It is referred to as a systemic illness and can last for years. Some patients may experience periods of time where they have no symptoms but this is a progressive illness and has the potential to cause joint destruction and functional disability.
You think that sounds bad, check out the symptoms. Symptoms include fatigue, lack of appetite, fever, muscle and joint aches, and stiffness. Multiple joints are usually inflammed in a symmetrical pattern and most of the small joints like your hands, wrists, and feet are involved. Simple tasks like turning a door knob or removing a staple from a peice of paper become difficult and painful. There is also dryness in the eyes and mouth. It also affects the lungs and causes chest pain with deep breathing or coughing. It also affects the amount of red and white blood cells a persons body has and this can affect the spleen and increase risks of infections.
There isn't much out there to help this disease. A medicine will work for a while but it always stops working. There is no cure for this. The goal of most current treatment is to reduce joint inflammation and pain, maximize joint function, and prevent joint destruction. What really sucks in the medications usually bring about more symptoms that are worse then the pain itself!
My mom always complains about hurting but today it really hit me. I thought it was just like a cramp pain or a soreness pain like when you hit your elbow into the edge of a corner. My mom has been really bad lately because she stopped taking her medicine. Eventually it just stopped working for her and she was in pain and figured she might as well not be on the meds if that was how it was going to be. My mom was in tears just from the pain and this is a woman who is strong and does not show emotion from pain. She told me today she couldn't even grasp or hold up a stack of paper, take a staple out of a peice of paper, turn the key in her car.....I have never seen my mother in so much pain, look so weak and fragile, and so lost. She is giving up and the pain is becoming too much for her. I realized that this disease will not stop, she will never get better, and it will only get worse. This disease will cripple her if not kill her.
I can not imagine my life without my mom in it and this scares me more then anything ever has. What would I do? How would I be able to pick up the pieces and carry on without her? I talk to her multiple times a day, see her almost every day of the week. She is my best friend and keeps me going when I want to give up. What about my brother? He is only 5....Who would take care of him? What would we tell him? How can we help make him understand what is going on? How will this impact his life? I don't know what to do to help her feel better and I am not sure I could even if there was something I could do. I feel lost and it breaks not just my heart but my soul to see my mom in such pain. She goes to the doctor on Wednesday but that is still five days away....things can get worse for her by then. I am not sure she can take much more or much worse then she is dealing with now. I can't believe how selfish and naive I have been and realize how much more I could have done to help.
I am glad I started this blog because I need somewhere to go and just get my feelings out. I want to cry so bad but I stop myself. It is a sign of weakness to me. Crying solves nothing, it helps nothing.....So why do it? I just keep moving on. I really want to just stop myself, shake myself out from this fog, and allow myself to feel emotion. The only one I have no problem with showing or feeling is anger. I don't know what to do. I can only wish for the best and pray for something to come along to help her because I could not imagine my life without her in it. I know one day she will have to leave but I want that to be when she is in her 80's to 90's, finished watching my brother grow up to be an amazing person, and watch me and my sisters grow. I want her to have a happy life full of good memories and not pain. She has so much to offer and gain and I don't want to see those opportunities taken from her. Not like this.....
You think that sounds bad, check out the symptoms. Symptoms include fatigue, lack of appetite, fever, muscle and joint aches, and stiffness. Multiple joints are usually inflammed in a symmetrical pattern and most of the small joints like your hands, wrists, and feet are involved. Simple tasks like turning a door knob or removing a staple from a peice of paper become difficult and painful. There is also dryness in the eyes and mouth. It also affects the lungs and causes chest pain with deep breathing or coughing. It also affects the amount of red and white blood cells a persons body has and this can affect the spleen and increase risks of infections.
There isn't much out there to help this disease. A medicine will work for a while but it always stops working. There is no cure for this. The goal of most current treatment is to reduce joint inflammation and pain, maximize joint function, and prevent joint destruction. What really sucks in the medications usually bring about more symptoms that are worse then the pain itself!
My mom always complains about hurting but today it really hit me. I thought it was just like a cramp pain or a soreness pain like when you hit your elbow into the edge of a corner. My mom has been really bad lately because she stopped taking her medicine. Eventually it just stopped working for her and she was in pain and figured she might as well not be on the meds if that was how it was going to be. My mom was in tears just from the pain and this is a woman who is strong and does not show emotion from pain. She told me today she couldn't even grasp or hold up a stack of paper, take a staple out of a peice of paper, turn the key in her car.....I have never seen my mother in so much pain, look so weak and fragile, and so lost. She is giving up and the pain is becoming too much for her. I realized that this disease will not stop, she will never get better, and it will only get worse. This disease will cripple her if not kill her.
I can not imagine my life without my mom in it and this scares me more then anything ever has. What would I do? How would I be able to pick up the pieces and carry on without her? I talk to her multiple times a day, see her almost every day of the week. She is my best friend and keeps me going when I want to give up. What about my brother? He is only 5....Who would take care of him? What would we tell him? How can we help make him understand what is going on? How will this impact his life? I don't know what to do to help her feel better and I am not sure I could even if there was something I could do. I feel lost and it breaks not just my heart but my soul to see my mom in such pain. She goes to the doctor on Wednesday but that is still five days away....things can get worse for her by then. I am not sure she can take much more or much worse then she is dealing with now. I can't believe how selfish and naive I have been and realize how much more I could have done to help.
I am glad I started this blog because I need somewhere to go and just get my feelings out. I want to cry so bad but I stop myself. It is a sign of weakness to me. Crying solves nothing, it helps nothing.....So why do it? I just keep moving on. I really want to just stop myself, shake myself out from this fog, and allow myself to feel emotion. The only one I have no problem with showing or feeling is anger. I don't know what to do. I can only wish for the best and pray for something to come along to help her because I could not imagine my life without her in it. I know one day she will have to leave but I want that to be when she is in her 80's to 90's, finished watching my brother grow up to be an amazing person, and watch me and my sisters grow. I want her to have a happy life full of good memories and not pain. She has so much to offer and gain and I don't want to see those opportunities taken from her. Not like this.....
1 comment:
Liz. I had no idea that your Mom was that sick. You had mentioned something about it yesterday but after reading this it is so much more real. I am sorry that your Mom has to go through that . Mal and I will keep your Mom in our prayers.
Post a Comment